The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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