shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
