Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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