someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
