Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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