So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
