Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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