someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
