3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
