I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
