My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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