I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Even my vagina gasped.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
