the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
