Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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