did you get engaged???
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
