I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
