cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
