I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
