I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
