Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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