There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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