i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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