I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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