i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
