the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
