all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
