Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
