Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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