I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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