note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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