how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
