I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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