At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
