i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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