I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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