My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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