Well douche your snatch and let's go!
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
