Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
