some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
