I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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