oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
