Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
