Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
