I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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