You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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