Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
