around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
