Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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