His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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