Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
