Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I cut my penus on the lid.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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