he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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